Tag Archives: truth

Forgiving Versus Reconciling

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

Many choose to forgive because forgiveness has benefits for the forgiver. Forgiveness is a canceling of a “debt”. One can choose to forgive so that anger doesn’t destroy one’s own sense of well-being, though this may require a grieving process. To forgive is to release oneself from an expectation that another person has to fulfill some requirement or redeem the relationship. It is no longer holding in hostility. Restoring the relationship, though, is a step further. A Biblical example of reconciliation, the restoring of proper relationship, is forgiveness and repentance. Repentance is a u-turn involving a realization of the impact of a wrong, full remorse, a commitment to change, and actual behavioral changes over time.

Seeing the impact of your behavior on another when there has been hurt is difficult. We are called to have a clear view of our actions (1 John 1:8). The Bible describes repentance as a knowledge of truth (2 Timothy 2:25-26). Understanding the full impact of one’s actions requires compassion and patient excavation of the hurt person’s experience and emotion. Only that person can say when he or she feels understood.

Healthy frustration and sorrow over one’s actions sets the stage for legitimate change. The Bible distinguishes between sorrow that leads to valuable change and sorrow that destroys. Paul writes, “For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death” (1 Corinthians 7:9-10). Sorrow without change leads to depression, anxiety and addictions.

The first fruit of change is planning change. “Produce fruit in keeping with repentance” (Matthew 3:8). What internal changes are needed to make long-lasting external change? Producing fruit requires growth and learning to fully understand the emotions that drive unhealthy outcomes. An honest look at these “unacceptable” feelings requires a relationship that can accept those feelings and one’s failures so that the usual patterns of avoidance are disrupted. This is called grace, and is the only way to grow. Otherwise, instead of pruning and growing, one cuts down the tree. (The Bible uses this metaphor for judgment).

Finally, repentance is proven by change (Acts 26:20). It is making agreements and building trust by keeping those agreements. The Bible says let your “yes” be “yes” and “no” be “no” so that honest agreements will be kept (Matthew 5:37). A covenant represents honest intentions for a renewed relationship. “Come now, let’s make a covenant, you and I, and let it serve as a witness between us” (Genesis 31:44).

While humans continue to fail, remorse and grace can lead to reconciliation by caring about the impact of one’s behavior, making personal changes that lead to lasting changes, and re-working honest agreements for the future. “Though the mountains be shaken, and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you (Isaiah 54:10). God is able to forgive and reconcile based on repentance simultaneously, while we may have to separate the two processes.

Connection Before Correction

Grace Over Judgment

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

When you have been wronged it can be hard to consider mercy, but when you are the one who has done wrong, mercy can be what saves you. Certainly looking at truth about yourself can be unacceptable without grace. The Bible is essentially stories of redemption, and how a living and interactive God intervenes in the lives of regular people. Due to the graphic nature of man’s offenses in the Bible, one is left with the impression that God can redeem anything.

Without grace, we cannot grow. “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me” (Jeremiah 29:11-13). God, time and again, takes unfortunate circumstances and makes them lead to something better for those that seek Him. The concept of grace, knowing that one is fully accepted by God, disrupts the shame cycle that perpetuates sin.

While grace is essential for growth, the Bible uses cutting down a tree as a metaphor for judgment. Some treat the Bible as a legal document used to condemn. The religious order of the Pharisees neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. “They tie up heavy loads and put them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them. (Matthew 23:4). Religious people can turn people away from God. “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to. Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as you are” (Matthew 23:13-14). These are strong words from Jesus.

So grace is preferred over judgment because grace is the way to grow while judgment is used to destroy. Judgment is growth-producing when accompanied by grace, and thus is a pruning process. So one’s Biblical interpretations are to be interpreted with a goal of redemption and hope, and not oppression.

How Relationship Leads to Change

Follow Your Heart?

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

The Bible says the heart is deceitful. Mental health practices, however, often encourages one to listen to the heart. “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). Perhaps the heart is deceitful, and God works to change the heart. “The wise in heart are called discerning, and gracious words promote instruction (Proverbs 16:21).

How might God work through the heart? There are many accounts in the Bible. Knowing truth and one’s experiences of emotion seem to be primary ways God works through the heart. For example, knowing the truth can change the way one feels. It may not eliminate unwanted human emotions, but positive emotions are added, like hope, gratitude, or joy. When Jesus foretells the destruction of Jerusalem, He tells his followers to not let their hearts be dulled by the worries of this life (Luke 21:34). In the Old Testament, for another example, when the Israelites were desperate it was an occasion for God’s intervention. “The Lord Himself will fight for you. Just stay calm” (Exodus 14:14).

God also works through these experiences of both positive and negative emotions.  The Israelite’s faith was founded on the fulfillment of God’s promises.  Another example in the Old Testament occurred when Jonah was angry that God spared the city of Nineveh, God changed Jonah through an experience of emotion. When Jonah felt a loss when the plant giving him shade died, he understood how God would feel if He lost the city (Jonah 4). This experience changed his emotions. God may even direct one to have such an experience: “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent” (Psalms 4:4).

Changing one’s heart, in which the Bible includes knowledge, emotion, and will, always involves not only Truth, but an encounter with Truth. “I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the LORD” (Jeremiah 24:7).