Not only do I see communication problems, but I see problems people think would be solved if they were married to someone else. Some problems may be solved this way, but it also is true that we carry our response to problems from relationship to relationship, and our response to problems may be bigger than the problems.

• John Gottman, a marital researcher, gives this example:
• Paul married Alice and Alice gets loud at parties and Paul, who is shy, hates that. But if Paul had married Susan, he and Susan would have gotten into a fight before they even got to the party. That’s because Paul is always late and Susan hates to be kept waiting. She would feel taken for granted, which she is very sensitive about. Paul would see her complaining about this as her attempt to dominate him, which he is very sensitive about. If Paul had married Gail, they wouldn’t have even gone to the party because they would still be upset about an argument they had the day before about Paul’s not helping with the housework. To Gail when Paul does not help she feels abandoned, which she is sensitive about, and to Paul Gail’s complaining is an attempt at domination, which he is sensitive about. The same is true about Alice. If she had married Steve, she would have the opposite problem, because Steve gets drunk at parties and she would get so angry at his drinking that they would get into a fight about it. If she had married Lou, she and Lou would have enjoyed the party but when they got home the trouble would begin when Lou wanted sex because he always wanted sex when he wants to feel closer, but sex is something Alice only wants when she already feels close.

Even rock-solid marriages have sensitivities like the ones described above. All marriages “fall short of the glory of God.” So what is God’s purpose for marriage?

Genesis 1:26-28 tells us, “Then God said, ‘Let us (the triune God) make man in our image, in our likeness…’ So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” In the Old and New Testament we can see four purposes for marriage: to reflect the image and unity of the triune God, to experience of Christ’s love for His church, along with procreation and management of creation.

This is where it can hurt. It is common to think of marriage as something that is difficult, discouraging, and even hurtful. Many think of personal failure. It is difficult to respond well in an intimate relationship when we are not treated well. We all can think of examples where we are not treated well. Maybe you can think of a time you were betrayed by a childhood friend. Or, you ask your teenage daughter how her evening went, and she nearly bites off your head. Possibly you are caring for aging parents and in spite of all your efforts, they are still unhappy. Or, you are unhappily married but stay together for a number of reasons. Others do not. Every 45 seconds a marriage ends in divorce (Dr. Greg Smalley).

An incredible statistic is the one that predicts divorce. Marriage is one of the most researched topics over the last 40 years and this prediction is well-documented. John Gottman and other researchers underscore that your response, when you are treated poorly in your marriage, is predictive of eventual divorce with 91 percent accuracy.

It is not exactly what is said, or what is done, that is so predictive. It is the feeling that one spouse is above or below the other. It results in defensiveness. It can come from dwelling on the injustices in your relationship, or from ruminating on the weaknesses of the other. It leaks out in one’s tone, facial expressions, and non-verbal body language. It is contempt. We often do not mean to be contemptuous. Maybe you just want to bring up an issue, or just talk about it, and your spouse interprets it as criticism and wants to defend, attack back, and finally withdraw. Dan Allender, in his book with Tremper Longman III, Intimate Allies says that “many couples live with an underlying contempt for each other.” Later they write, “Spouses degrade each other when they show a contemptuous, shaming, judgmental spirit.”

We are all treated poorly at times. We all have different desires and these can turn into expectations. When these expectations are not met, we get angry, or at least disappointed. We can feel that the other is not living up to their end of the bargain. The contract is not being fulfilled. If you a sign a contract, there are certainly expectations to be met. If you use that mentality in marriage, you are set up for more disappointment and hurt. Tension develops between the idea of marriage being a contract, and marriage being a covenant.

So what do spouses do, who generally get treated well, in their marriage, act at those moments when they are not treated well?

The Bible starts with the heart. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” “Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be” (Luke 12:34). The Bible also contrasts open and hardened hearts. On one hand is the verse, “Love each other deeply with all your heart” (1 Peter 1:22b). In contrast, Jesus said that Moses permitted divorce in the Old Testament because of hardened hearts (Matthew 19:8a).

If there is any recourse from a hardened heart to one that is open, safety is key. “The name of the Lord is a strong fortress; the godly run to him and are safe” (Proverbs 18:10). It is hard to open up and admit feelings and failures, if you are afraid of your partner’s response. A covenantal approach, though, invites this kind of vulnerability. If one feels safe, you can be honest about feelings and failures. It creates a joint struggle to expose the beautiful, and the broken. It allows for true love, the grace that provides the elements needed to grow, and it feeds passion. It is a picture of God’s love for us. Accordingly, we are to love our spouse as a reflection of God. Imagine, as Allender and Longman write, “I am to see my spouse as a unique reflection of God. She is a woman like no other.” They return to this theme when they write, “I must learn what it means to draw out my wife’s uniqueness.” They point out that both spouses reflect God’s glory, and as they treat each other with this respect they move closer together. How might you do that? We can glorify or degrade our spouses in our words, in our silence, in how we look at them, and how we treat them. It matters.

Contempt, on the other hand,  is beyond the inevitable frustration with your spouse. It does not just say that I am angry, afraid or sad; it puts the emphasis on that the other is wrong or bad. We are all wrong or bad at times. We all struggle. But people that get treated well do not put down the other resulting in defensiveness. 1 Peter 3:7 sets a foundation with “Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don’t run aground.”

Paul describes the marital relationship in Ephesians 5:21-28:

Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. 

Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.

Here we see a model representing a divine relationship. Both roles show a heart that is open, a willingness to be responsive and to yield to one another out of love. Marital researchers agree. This approach seeks to make sense of your partner, and understand what he or she is feeling, and to make his or her feelings as important as your own. Marital researchers underscore that this non-judgmental approach happens in the context of equal regard, creating a sense of safety. It does not deny truth or grace. It acknowledges underlying needs on both sides of the equation.

Here are common needs for men and women, as highlighted in Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn’s research-based books on relationships, For Men Only and For Women Only.

Women need to be pursued. They are wired for relationship. Women feel it when something is missing here. They write, “Pursuit is likely to make you a great husband in her eyes.” Relationships need an infusion of energy like anything else of value. A little time can yield big dividends.

In the movie, Parent Trap, Nick asks his ex-wife. Elizabeth, about what happened between them. He said, “It ended so fast. So about the day you packed, why’d you do it?” She replied, “Oh, Nick. We were so young. We both had tempers, we said stupid things, and so I packed. Got on my first 747, and . . . you didn’t come after me.” After a period of dead silence, Nick admitted, “I didn’t know that you wanted me to.” If Elizabeth felt if she asked him to come after her, she would never know if he would on his own.

Men need to be proud of. They are wired for accomplishment. Men feel it when something is missing here. The authors write, “What is at stake isn’t his pride as much as his secret feelings of inadequacy as a man.” Many unmarried men described feeling inadequate as a major barrier to getting married in the first place. They do not want to feel inadequate the rest of their lives.

What if I am not open to this kind of covenantal approach? Impulsivity, stress, lack of time and energy, built-up anger, hurt and resentment are all facts of life but get in the way. A formidable obstacle is the belief that one’s partner is more to blame for the relationship problems. An urgent need is for personal support to make personal changes from friends, support groups, Bible study, accountability, and counseling.

What if my partner isn’t open to this kind of covenantal approach? This kind of approach is for the sake of the giver as much as the receiver. It allows the giver to feel settled and in control about their part, even if your partner does not respond well. Researchers underscore that when one partner is not treated well, this is precisely the time that this approach is needed. When it gets tough, take a break and come back allowing both sides time to process to a better conclusion. Or break the discussion and ask your partner for proposals, or make proposals. Living in a fallen world and being self-responsible means that we have to set personal boundaries. The key is to not look down on your partner in the meantime, because looking down on your partner itself pust your relationship at risk. Remember that God is walking this journey with you.

Can we trust God when we see no way out? Can we say like the father in Mark 9:24 who said “I believe. Help me with my doubts!” I know how hard marriage can be. We all have challenges to face in our relationships. God provides a way to look at others through his eyes. God will honor the covenant you made with each other. When our heart is open, when we provide safety, and we are vulnerable ourselves, it opens the door for hope. God has a covenantal love for us, as seen here in Isaiah 43:1-3:

Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
    I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
    When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
    it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
    The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
    all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
    That’s how much I love you!

The author Dan Blair is a Christian marriage therapist at Blair Counseling and Mediation.

Do you fully understand? Dig deeper.

Psalms 56:8: “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”

Are you reactive to what the other is saying? Slow down.

James 1:19: “You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”

Proverbs 18:13: “He who answers before listening–that is his folly and his shame.”

Is the other side of an issue important? Value it.

Philippians 2:3:“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.”

Are you working together?

1 Peter 3:8: “Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.”

More resources:
Connection before Correction
Forgiving versus Reconciling

 Listen

When I ask you to listen to me
And you start giving advice
You have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
And you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way
You are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
And you feel you have to do something to solve my problems
You have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen
Not talk or do – just hear me.

Advice is cheap: the world is full of free advice.

And I can DO for myself. I’m not helpless.

Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
No matter how irrational, then I stop trying to convince you,
And can get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.

And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.

So please listen and just hear me, and if you want to talk,
Wait a minute for your turn, and I’ll listen to you. (Anonymous)

Due to the transient nature of thoughts and emotions, the goal of Christian mindfulness is to be aware but less reactive to your thoughts and emotions. It allows you to have your emotions and thoughts without triggering the brain’s alarm system. At the same time, understanding that God can speak through your thoughts and emotions, you can also rest on what you know about God so you can rest in the unknown. “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you” (1 Peter 5:7). The benefits, with patience and openness, can be described as “affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified” (Galatians 5:22-24).

Here are some ideas on developing Christian mindfulness:

• Mindfulness is awareness and acceptance of your perception of what is real and what you feel. It is an openness, a curiosity, and not a judgment. Non-judgmental awareness allows more information instead of triggering fear and avoidance. Awareness is valued, instead of being locked in to your usual responses in life. It is in the present that one can be aware of God’s presence. “Be still, and know that I am God!” (Psalms 46:10).
• It uses awareness of breath, a symbol of God’s presence in the Bible. When feeling fear, rumination or avoidance of thoughts and emotions, refocus on awareness of your breathing to slowly change thought and behavior patterns. Learn to relax muscles. See what happens over time. How many times does the Bible say to not fear?
• God is aware of us, so we should be too. “I’m an open book to you; even from a distance, you know what I’m thinking. You know when I leave and when I get back; I’m never out of your sight. You know everything I’m going to say before I start the first sentence. I look behind me and you’re there, then up ahead and you’re there, too” (Psalms 139:2-5). “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts” (Psalms 139:23). “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book” (Psalms 56:8).
• It decreases unhealthy responses and instills trust. “Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are healthy, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are unhealthy, your body also is full of darkness. See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness” (Luke 11:34-35). ”When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end” (Isaiah 43:2).
• Mindfulness is a willingness to experience what you experience. “Going a little ahead, he fell to the ground and prayed for a way out: “Papa, Father, you can—can’t you?—get me out of this. Take this cup away from me. But please, not what I want—what do you want?” (Mark 14:35-36).
• Experiences and emotions come and go. “The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the word of our God stands forever” (Isaiah 40:8).
• A non-judgmental approach is appropriate when grace is appropriate to disrupt the cycle of sin and shame. “I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances” (Phil. 4:11).
• Mindfulness is a skill that needs to be practiced. It is a continual process, a “renewing of your mind” (Rom. 12:2).
• Mindfulness is not a technique to achieve a certain outcome. It is an openness to an outcome that happens when one is experiencing what one is feeling and thinking along with God’s leading. “He will be gracious if you ask for help. He will surely respond to the sound of your cries. Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes. Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, ‘This is the way you should go,’ whether to the right or to the left” (Isaiah 30:19-21).
• Greater awareness of self is associated with greater awareness of God and others (1 Cor. 13:12).

You could be mindful of your behavior and be performance-based and image conscious, but that is not mindfulness. Mindfulness reflects the whole person (Matthew 23:25-28) and invites God in. It allows you to be honest with yourself and God.

The author Dan Blair is a Christian therapist at Blair Counseling and Mediation.

1. Role conflicts. Pastors get asked to do many things above and beyond the job description.
2. Proliferation of activities. New endeavors are started without adequate support for the programs already in place.
3. Administrative duties. Pastors are not necessarily trained in spread sheets.
4. Spiritual dryness. People face deserts in life, but pastors are not expected to be “people.”
5. Perfectionism or inadequacy. Pastors can hold unrealistic standards for themselves.
6. Unrelenting standards. Others can hold unrelenting standards for the pastor.
7. No time to be alone, while feeling alone or lonely. Both can be true.
8. Intrusions on time. The unexpected often occurs at inopportune times.
9. Failure of dreams. Often visions don’t occur as planned.
10. Blocked goals. Attempts at accomplishment are meant with resistance.

In addition, pastors most often use an intrapersonal coping style versus interpersonal coping. Balancing coping strategies means pastors need their own support system. Blair Counseling and Mediation offers wellness checks and personal support for the unique stressors that pastors face at no cost as part of our commitment to the local church. Feel free to call at anytime. Contact information can be found through the link below.

The author Dan Blair is a Christian therapist at Blair Counseling and Mediation.

Some things you will never get over in this life. Some things you will never get back.

No wonder numbness takes over and leaves one unable to think. Definitely, for a period of time nothing will help. Don’t try to make the feelings go away during this time and do not try to help others in this way. Grief is so varied that no one knows what it is like for another person.

This psalmist describes his experience this way: “My heart is sick, withered like grass, and I have lost my appetite. I lie awake, lonely as a solitary bird on the roof. My tears run down into my drink because of your anger and wrath. For you have picked me up and thrown me out. My life passes as swiftly as the evening shadows. I am withering away like grass” (Psalms 102: 4, 7, 10, 11). “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why are you so far away when I groan for help? Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief” (Psalms 22:1-2). The psalmist then turns to his faith in God for comfort. Instead of seeing God as an absent or passive Deity, he relies on God to be transformed. Nothing is more transforming than pain, for better or for worse.

Is this how God works, complicit with evil, working to make good come out of it? God as portrayed in the Bible is about his thwarted intentions for mankind bestowed with free will and then God’s redemptive purposes. The culmination of God’s love and pain is the sacrifice of his Son, and the Son’s experience of abandonment by the Father. Yet the son chose “not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22:42).

God’s view of evil is not that it is required to accomplish his purposes. He is truly moved, angered and grieved by evil throughout the Bible. There is no remedy, other than “some day.” What He offers now, through his Spirit and the Church, is his Presence. Will the Church provide solidarity for those who suffer?

The author Dan Blair is a Christian therapist at Blair Counseling and Mediation.

Recommended:

If marriage interferes with personal happiness, divorce seems to be more of an option. Spouses explore whether or not they can be happy in the marriage, and if not, divorce is the next step. At the same time, people are scared to divorce because they can’t afford it. As the marriage deteriorates further, divorce becomes inevitable, often around the same time a bankruptcy is an option.

Many of the around fifty percent of adults who are not married, would like to get married, but are postponing it. When couples live together before marriage, either they are aiming at commitment, with marriage as a future option, or they fear commitment due to personal or economical reasons. Those who are postponing marriage for economical reasons are waiting for greater financial stability. The lower your income, the less likely you’ll opt for marriage. Currently, there are more single parents and kids born out of wedlock than ever.

Some couples that live together before marriage will never commit, and some eventually commit because that’s the expectation, not necessarily a wish. Marrying out of expectation is a risk for divorce. People think that compatibility is the greatest factor in marital satisfaction, but commitment is the greatest determinant of a lasting marriage. Couples that involve themselves in spiritual practices more than four times a week have a divorce rate less than one percent. Another aspect to consider is that those who live together without commitment have higher rates of depression, addiction and aggression. If there are kids involved, there are often more problems with the kids. Another growing segment experiencing such problems is those that live together after divorce.

The following are extracts of an article from the Northwest Herald in McHenry County:

By HILARY GOWINS – hgowins@shawmedia.com:

To Tie or Not to Tie (the Knot)

To have and to hold. For better or worse. For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. To love and to cherish. Until death do us part.

In a day when the wedding industry brings in billions of dollars each year and love and commitment have come to be symbolized by the size of a diamond or the price of a dress, these simple, sacred vows can get lost.

It’s easy to stick to a promise when times are good. It’s the sicker and poorer parts that test the strength of a couple’s commitment.

Penny and Ken Schwall of McHenry know what it means to endure those tests. They have faced the joys and struggles of parenthood and both have lost jobs, but what happened 2 1⁄2 years ago changed their lives forever.

Ken Schwall had to move into a Barringtonnursing home after being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis at age 36, on top of two other lifelong birth defects in his spine.

Now both in their 50s, the Schwalls are living separately – he in the nursing home and she with their two adult daughters in the family’s McHenry home.

“What I tease about now is that we’ve had every test of our wedding vows,” Schwall said. “There are times when it seems easier just to walk away – it’s the till death do us part’ thing you always come back to.”

Times weren’t always so difficult for the couple. Penny Schwall still remembers the feeling she got when she first met Ken, how they dated for three years before getting married. Their parents are now dead, but Penny remembers that they set an example of staying together.

“Wedding vows should be a sacred commitment and taken seriously,” she said. “We didn’t live together or anything beforehand; we waited till we got married. That’s really been one of the first and foremost things, taking it seriously. Marriage was very important to us as far as being together and having a family.”

———-

“Trends all around the United States seem to show that this is what’s happening – there are fewer marriages and more people residing together,” said Sara Busche, an attorney with Gitlin, Busche and Stetler in Woodstock. “A lot of the time, this is a way people cut costs. The law has to catch up to try to address issues when these breakups occur later, though. Because when you live together with someone for a long time and acquire assets together, there’s no law that addresses how that’s handled with unmarried people.”

The ways in which arrangements such as this affect individual relationships can’t be described in uniform terms. However, the Rev. Ken Gibson of Grace Lutheran Church in Woodstock said that there are dangers that come when couples decide to cohabitate before marriage.

“A lot of young people are looking through some rose-colored glasses and don’t get where they’re at in life,” he said. “There is some danger in it because they haven’t done the work. It’s a convenience.”

Gibson said his church provides counseling before big steps such as marriage and combining households, which help couples prepare for their life together by helping them figure out what to expect.

“What I tell my young people is, ‘You’re coming in talking about a wedding, I’m talking about a marriage,’ ” he said. “A wedding is one day – a marriage is a much longer commitment.”

———-

The faces of those deciding to end their marriages are changing, as well, Busche said.

“There’s no typical or mean age for divorce, but lately I’ve noticed there are a lot of people coming in who are older, who had long-term marriages,” she said. “Their children are gone and they’re deciding the marriage is dead.”

When Busche joined the firm nine years ago, she typically saw people coming in after their “seven-year itch,” she said. Now the crumbling of 17- to 23-year marriages is much more prevalent.

“When they got married the idea was that there’s no such thing as a divorce, but now it’s more accepted,” Busche said.

Gibson sees a different story in the younger generation, although he doesn’t have exact numbers. For the three years he’s been at the church, he says the number of marriages he performs has been going up.

“Our young people seem to be excited about the institution of it all and the commitment,” he said. “A lot of them are getting married older and they seem much more in tune with life and its realities.”

He said he can’t remember the last time he performed the marriage of a young couple, meaning those ages 18 to their young 20s. The couples he sees are at least in their late 20s or early 30s, Gibson said.

In the end, whether a couple is old or young, rich or poor, rushing into things or taking their time, nothing is certain. Ken and Penny Schwall met before either had turned 20 and married three years later.

“I say all the time, not only to our kids, but to friends and family, I’d rather be a light in a dark place,” Penny Schwall said. “Our big thing is … taking those vows seriously and knowing that it’s a commitment we made before God.”

The challenge comes in the form of one’s personal faith in the means of God’s acceptance. Can you believe?

• Sin is strengthened by law (1 Cor. 15:56)
• The gift of righteousness (Rom. 5:17)
• No condemnation (Rom. 8:1)
• Sin loses its hold (Rom. 6:14)
• Jesus is the mediator (1 John 2:1)
• Those struggling have forgotten their sins are gone (1 Peter 1:9)

Time and again Jesus expressed anger toward religious people who focused on their own works. (One example is depicted in Grace over Judgment). Jesus also pointed out the inadequacy of justification by human effort when the rich young ruler asked him what else he can do (Luke 18:18-23). The rich young ruler walked away. In the next chapter, Jesus responded to Zacchaeus with grace, and Zacchaeus changed his life. Grace is not only meant to save, it is meant to empower. Paul is consistent with this definition when he wrote to the Galatians, who were also focused on their own works,” Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?” (Gal. 3:3). In contrast, Paul wrote to the Corinthians, who were stuck in their sin, “Therefore you do not lack any spiritual gift as you eagerly wait for our Lord Jesus Christ to be revealed. He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful” (1 Cor. 1:7-8). Viewing oneself as righteous is not self-righteousness; that is evident. Viewing oneself as recipients of grace also does not justify behavior.  But viewing oneself as righteous does change the way one thinks, and thus changes behavior.

Jesus said, “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly” (Matthew 11:28-30).

“No one who takes refuge in him will be condemned” (Psalms 34:22b).

The author Dan Blair is a Christian therapist at Blair Counseling and Mediation.

Common reasons people over 50 are divorcing include anger issues, abuse, infidelity, and addiction. Many are already divorced, or have waited for the kids to be on their own before making changes. These changes stem from a mid-life crisis, or from postponing personal happiness for so long people find it an appropriate time to divorce. Plus, life expectancies are longer.

Battered by the economy and subject to longer life spans, people are left with little financial cushion. Divorce divides what people have left and taps into insurance and medical expenses, property division (including house, cars, etc.), assets and liabilities, retirement plans, and business valuations. These have to be split in an equitable way. Divorce also creates a need for additional financial spousal support.

Signs of divorce include the frequency of criticism and defensiveness leading to contempt and refusals to engage in the marriage. Here are ten of the top signs your marriage is headed for trouble.

1. A wall of resentment has been built brick by brick. Depending on how the spouse handles anger and resentment, that wall is not coming down, so intimate feelings and thoughts will not survive. ”A stone is heavy and sand is weighty, but the resentment caused by a fool is even heavier” (Proverbs 27:3).
2. A pattern of negative thinking about the spouse and the relationship is entrenched, so that positive feelings are no longer available. Theses quotes from Proverbs can apply to husbands and wives. ”A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day. Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands” (Proverbs 27:15-16). ”It is better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a contentious wife in a lovely home” (Proverbs 21:9). “A quarrelsome person in a dispute is like kerosene thrown on a fire” (Proverbs 26:21).
3. Loneliness in the relationship or an inability to have fun with each other. A good adventure can be more bonding than sex.
4. Continuous criticism turns into contempt.
5. One spouse suffocates another with demands.
6. A spouse is continuously on the defense.
7. Nearly all of one’s energy is poured into other endeavors besides the relationship.
8. Someone special is waiting in the wings, or the thought is “I can do better.”
9. No trust = no relationship.
10. No external source of hope and commitment, such as God.

Finding repair of major negative events, along with a hope and commitment to God, is key to reap the rewards of a healthy marriage. One can look down the list and see how one step can lead to another, or each may stand alone as a barrier to being the kind of spouse one would like to be in the relationship. Henry Cloud in his book Necessary Endings requires eight conditions for trusting change.

1. Involvement in a proven change process that is known to be capable of bringing results.
2. There should be a “time and place” structure to the  change process. i.e. “I will attend this x every week at x time.”
3. New information and knowledge is specified and applied.
4. New experiences, skills, and abilities. The “how” and “when”  should be specified.
5. Self-sustaining motivation, as opposed to being constantly pushed  into change.
6. The ability to say, “I need some help.”
7. A support group to give energy.
8. A visible process of change. This does not mean that all is well or done, but that “something” is happening.

Here is a top ten list indicators a marriage can last:

1. Resentment itself is attacked, rather than the partner.
2. Each partner regularly reviews the positive qualities of the other.
3. Each partner guards the time it takes to have fun with the other. “Adventures” are sought.
4. Needs are expressed and requested while understanding the other’s needs, rather than criticizing the other.
5. Each partner is allowed to disagree, and options are generated versus insisting on one’s own way.
6. Each partner is open to meeting the needs of the other.
7. Energy is saved just for building the relationship.
8. No one is thinking of other options for partners.
9. Trust is guarded.
10. Commitment itself is high priority.

The challenge in saving a marriage is overcoming negative patterns that are entrenched over time. Usually, resentments have left one of the spouses with a loss of interest in the relationship and a belief that their partner will never change. With this belief, promises for a better future are ineffective. If one spouse has lost interest in the marriage and is spending time fantasizing about the possibility of someone else (or is actually spending time with someone else) the marriage has a lower chance of recovery. Giving the disinterested partner space is associated with a better outcome than putting pressure or guilt on the disinterested partner. Instead, make personal changes more in line with the kind of spouse you would like to be. Develop your own identity and self-confidence because those changes give you the best chance at being an attractive partner and will help if divorce is unavoidable. Other considerations to save a marriage include knowing what makes you and your partner feel loved, focusing on what you appreciate about your spouse, and responding to bids for reconnection.

Conflict resolution is the most crucial aspect to rebuilding a relationship. What seems insignificant if not addressed can germinate into a tangled mess where special feelings you had for each other are lost. Avoiding criticism is crucial to avoiding the attack and defense mode, and nothing happens unless people feel understood. Looking for alternative solutions to what each side is proposing is another key. Then, make agreements, and secondary agreements that apply if the primary agreement is not kept, to build trust.

The age of the forties, fifties, and sixties is a time to redefine one’s self after raising kids, settling in a career, or to confront dissatisfaction in life. One’s marriage is often reevaluated during this time. The marriage sinks or swims. Treat your spouse like a best friend, overlook irritations, create excitement in your life and share it with your partner. Create rituals and traditions and support each other’s dreams.

Relationships, especially a marriage, are designed to change you for the better. It is to make you “holy” and “happy,” but “holy” might come first.  ”As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend (Proverbs 27:17). “For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her” (Eph. 5:25).

Workbook for recovery from affairs:

The author Dan Blair is a Christian therapist at Blair Counseling and Mediation.

Avoidant attachment is reinforced from parental messages that emotions are not important in a child’s self-identity and in making decisions. Thus, the child (and as an adult) may feel like he or she does not really matter. An avoidant person may even believe that emotions steer one into danger or disaster and are not to be trusted. So emotions are left out of daily interactions. It may be hard to comfort or connect with an avoidant person. A second type of avoidant attachment seeks to please a significant other and downgrade one’s own needs because one can only accept emotions if they are not opposed by the significant other. This is a co-dependent relationship.

Ambivalent attachment patterns are derived from close connections that are not stable. The parent could be hot or cold. When cold, the parent may be preoccupied; it does not mean that the parent’s love wavers. So fear may develop associated with closeness and connection, because the closeness and connection could be lost. The child or adult in this case may crave intimacy but not want to ask for it because of fear that it could be lost. If intimacy does happen, this person may eventually find it stifling. The child or adult may then experience anger and would distance from the significant other, but then fear would overtake from being alone. The pattern then becomes hot pursuit, but then cold distancing.

Disorganized or dysregulated attachment patterns stem from parents who are ruled by the “fight or flight” autonomic nervous system. Parents tend to be aggressive or controlling, stemming from fear. On the other hand, parents could be overwhelmed or a victim, again stemming from fear.

Secure attachments are stable patterns but do not have to be perfect. They stem from a parent’s capacity at a particular place and time to recognize and value the emotions of a child or connect with what the child is doing. When the child comes to the parent, the parent in effect says to the child that the child is okay even when the child or parent is having negative emotions. The child is allowed to be separate from the parent, with the child’s own set of valid emotions and self-confidence that comes from faith. The concept of grace found in Christianity opens up a growth process that does not depend on performance to gain acceptance by God, and thus creating the capacity for a responsiveness to God.

The author Dan Blair is a Christian therapist at Blair Counseling and Mediation.

Research shows that there is a direct correlation between conflict and attendance: the more conflict a church has the fewer people remain in attendance. To address this growing problem churches need an in-house system which conveys to its members that the church is able and willing to gracefully and effectively address disputes as they emerge, for the good of all. One such program based on a Biblical model is the Judeo-Christian Model of Peacemaking developed by Dr. Ken Newberger. Its application in local congregations is detailed in his book entitled, Hope in the Face of Conflict. This practical step-by-step process looks to the pattern God used to make peace with us. It is based on love as the first foundation, justice the second, with reconciliation the goal and mediation the means.

If you are a pastor or church leader, feel free to view a 6 minute PowerPoint overview presentation at: resolvechurchconflict.com

To learn more, please contact Dan Blair at Blair Counseling and Mediation. or Dr. Kenneth Newberger at resolvechurchconflict.com.

Mediation Practices for Families
For families devoted to a biblical process to resolve conflict but torn asunder by unresolved issues, family mediation is recommended using the 12-step process of reconciliation described in the book Hope in the Face of Conflict by Dr. Kenneth C. Newberger.